Who I was, Who I am, and Who I'll be

I can't even find a name for the title of this post and the proper way to explain my inspiration for this blog and the importance I am placing on it for my future and my personal growth in the gospel. I find it important to share with those close to me the reasons why I chose not to go on a mission. It is still something I get asked everyday.

 As a young child I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints as a Mormon. Growing being a Mormon was never an easy or a walk on the clouds for me pushing through being judged, ridiculed and teased quite often. Although, my life as a Mormon may not always been easy it was and still is the perfect way to live my life and the foundation of my happiness.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is such a key element in who I am today and what I have become in my early adult years. As a kid I knew the gospel was true from the get go and never had a doubt in my mind of the gospel  and the truth of it. I wanted to serve a young mission at a very young age not only for myself, but also  for my family and most importantly for my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. A mission to me was all I focused on growing up in the gospel and my desire to learn and study to prepare myself for a mission. I constantly found myself telling all the people I met I am going on a mission not getting married. And I did this on a constant basis just to remind myself of where I was going.

When adulthood rolled around for me and the magic age of 21 was rolling around, I had been in a relationship with a boy for a few years.. a rather cute boy at that. And we had a good incredible relationship other then the few here and there disagreements we had with one another about my choice to leave for a year and a half for a mission. I knew that I wasn't going to stay home from my mission for just some silly boy. HOWEVER; This boy was different though and through our entire relationship he knew that my mission was what I wanted to do and constantly guided me and reminded me that I should always follow my heart and do what I know what was right for myself. That cute boy kept me laughing and had me looking towards the future in ways that I didn't even know were possible. Remember your talking to the girl who wants zeroo kids and not to be married.. yeah right thats changed now. This cute boy was the type of guy that was serious when he needed, but without a moments notice he would flip me over his shoulder and we would wrestle for hours. This boy was the boy I never truly appreciated enough for little did I know what I wanted in the future with him.

That cute boy and I broke up because I was in a constant battle with my heart, mind and my testimony of where I should be at in the gospel and well quite frankly I was in a deep dark hole for a few good months. My bedtime prayers soon became deep tear filled pleas to my Heavenly Father asking him what he would have me do.

During this dark time of my life and the previous years before I had been a full-time student and being a successful one at that maintaining to keep my scholarship and in fact I am graduating a whole year early.. and for those who know me know that is an accomplish because every morning I walk out my door saying "Today is the day I drop out." Well three years later I still haven't dropped out and I am still in school graduating in December. With all the college scene comes the Young Single Adult activities and that fun stuff... our stake is lacking that and I was just about as inactive to those activities as a person could be. I couldn't have been a worse YSA member at the time and know that my life was not on track with the progress of my fellow peers other then the incredible group of church friends I have that hang out on a regular basis and grow from each of their amazing examples...

Now as I continued to pray and study about what my decision was going to be as my parents anxiously awaited to hear that, "I was going to go on my mission." I began to feel other promptings and feelings from the holy ghost maybe in a sense guiding me the other way. I soon felt impressed to participate and get to know some more of our YSA and also to focus on school and my future of building an eternal family with that cute boy of mine that I let go. I felt so alone at times that it often just felt like I had no one to run to. On one side of shoulder I had little people saying go on a mission the Lord will bless you and on the other shoulder I had little voices saying get married it is just so fun!! And all I really wanted to do was to be able to make a decision for myself and for my timing.

"Faith in God is Faith in His Timing"

Lo' and behold it is now May and I am still here in Arkansas because I have chosen not to serve a mission at this point and time in my life.I have been 21 for several months and it does feel a little weird that I am not awaiting a mission call or already out teaching people the gospel. I stayed home to fulfill what the Lord has in store for me and my life at this time I plan to graduate with a Bachelors Degree in Business Administration in December. I am now currently serving as the YSA rep in the Fort Smith Stake and from this calling I have in a sense have been assigned a missionary zone and get to help bring the members of my home area to the gospel. I also strive to continue and maintain a healthy relationship with that cute boy from months ago and can't wait to see where my life take me on my next journey.

I can't express to you now that it is all over how silly I feel forever thinking that I was every really truly alone. I know that my Heavenly Father is constantly with me no matter how alone I felt at that time.

I am now in a difficult place in my life battling to find where my place in life is or where I am headed. With all of the confusion and darkness in my life I have never been more confused with who I am and who I'm supposed to be. I know that I have become a little bit more angry and unhappy lately then I ever have been in my life and I truly want to change that. I want to find the exact purpose that I have here on earth and I want everyone to know that I still have a love for the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

My family has been supportive with my decision and they too are now excited for the upcoming events that will happen in my future. I can't tell you enough how dark of a place I have been in with my life and testimony and feeling like there was no one. I testify to each and everyone of you that we are not alone.

I truly have learned several things in the past few months:

1.)  My answer to stay home from my mission was clear as day for the three reasons above, and I need to rely solely on my faith in order to believe that and have faith in the future.

2.) Every individual has their free agency to make or break their future and their decisions, and it is key for us as individuals to put on our eternal prospective goggles why looking at what makes us happy. I know that's what I strive for. I believe i made the decision that was best for my future.

3.) We never are alone.

4.) Patience. Not even close to perfect on this one. still learning to act on this one, but I have learned that it is very important in the growth and sustaining of any relationships.

5.) Expectations of people, places, and thing really can dampen any situation. It is so important to go in any situation with open eyes expecting to be loved, hurt, changed or moved.

6.) Let your loved ones find their own happiness. Something I have really struggled with lately is not being the one to make the most important people in my life happy. Their smiles, laughs, and well- being is really all that every ounce of my worry has been for.

7.) Let the people in your life know how important they are and how much you truly care for them because you never know at a moments notice when you won't have the opportunity to lift them up.

8.) Be there person people want to have in their lives.

9.) Strive to be a better friend

10.) Never lose sight of your testimony.

 I can't let go of my faith. And I must stay strong and hope that I become the individual I once was. I want to to be the best I can and never allow my fear or saddness get in the way of what is to come in my future.Only time will tell what is meant to be in this little ole life i live.